first of all, you saying your alone is BS, I have never treated you like your not one of my family. and second. It's not that I'm not trying to help you out. I can't help that things don't move fast enough for you, I can't walk into the IRS and demand that they give me my Tax return cause you need it. I am trying and your not giving me credit for doing that. You never give me credit for even trying. you just think that no one here wants you around which is BS.

If you want to move back to texas then do it. I can't stop you, but this is what you wanted and I did everything and that is EVERYTHING I COULD to get you into this school and now you want to quit cause you don't think anyone wants you around because you feel that no one wants anything to do with you which I hate to tell you is BS!!

I can't help it that I don't know my way around the city yet, I can't help it that I get lost at the drop of a hat trying to find where your at and I can't help it that Mel has to work the graveyard shift and hasn't got the time to take me out there.. but here you sit and think that I don't want you around which really hurts to the core knowing that you think that..No matter what I tell you your going to think what you want cause like you said you have blocked off all emotion about everything and have your way of thinking that know one wants you around, well if that's the case then do what you want, go back to Texas and be happy, don't stay here if it's eating your life and making you sick. Your friends are more important to you then your family and that's what I see here, you would much rather be there then here anyway so go on then. Don't stay here if this place is making you sick. I can't do anything about the 'situation' we are all in at the moment I am doing my best and if that's not good enough then I'm sorry, go back where life is better and things are easier for you. Go ahead and run away back to Texas and enjoy your life But I have to stay here and think about whats best for me and your sister, I'm not going to stop you, your an adult do whats best for you. Screw the rest of us who are trying to make things better, you go back where it's all candy and roses and enjoy your life.

I am sorry that things turned for the worst but if I had known that this was going to happen, I wouldn't have suggested that you come here in the first place. I didn't bring you here for you to get out of one bad situation to be brought into another one. I have been doing my best to get things taking care of and for you that's not good enough and I can't do anything fast enough for your liking. I'm not going to stress over this anymore, I'm doing my best and you never give me credit for trying. I'm tired of being made to feel like I don't care about you, I hurts deeply that you would even think that But you go ahead and think what you want nothing I say will make you change your mind.

Go ahead and go back to texas, Have a safe trip.

--
It's easier to criticize, then to create.

You've been doing your best? How am I supposed to know that? And naturally you only focus on one aspect of my problem here... I am not sure how difficult doing some of these things for me has been for you..I mean..they sound simple enough, but maybe I am not seeing the whole picture?

And geeze..any time I call you or something, it's like I have totally just..i don't know, but it doesn't seem that you even want to hear from me. You just want to end the conversation as fast as you can. I had my suspicions as to why, but I'll stay out of that. i mean..when you wanted the laptop, you went head over heels to get it as fast as you could, but when I needed something signed, it took a week. What am I supposed to think?? Maybe things are different, but I can't see things through your eyes from this end. Try to understand how things look from my end. I grant that to people..like "how would it make someone else feel?". I call and you don't want to talk. You don't call me. I can understand that you don't want to risk driving here on your own, but I don't expect you to come down here now do I? Not unless I need it.

I can only guess why you have been acting this way and, logically, it tells me that I have somehow become..well..an ignorable luxury. I am no stranger to that kind of treatment, though. It's why I am the way I am now. I want to change that, but I'm given NOTHING to fight with. I am just getting reminded everyday as to why I made that horrible choice. Why don't you tell me why you don't call me, or why you have been acting rather evasive? Explain yourself. Try to understand why I said those things.

Try to also get that what I said about you is only a tiny part of my problem with this place. I am a born loser...I've come to understand that. Maybe I am filth and my very presence is somehow discusting to people. I'd say that I don't care but I do. I mean..I am so lonely here and it seems that I have nobody. I feel that I am to blame for these things in some way. i try to be friendly and compassionate, but I can't get past my own physical and emotional suffering to do so.

Look..my idea of going to Texas is not what you seem to think. I definately don't expect "candy and sunshine". I expect that I will be around people (something I really need). I just need the warmth of positivness..not this gothic nightmare I'm in now. I want to feel at home. It was a total tease. I was happy we were moving away from New York..closer to Texas (home)..but naturally my bad luck kicks in and teases me with one state down...

And that's nonsense about me caring more about friends than family. Umm..if I recall, Chelsea told me you two were going to move to Illinois..you definately weren't planning on taking me. That's for sure. I wonder if you would have even told me. So apparently leaving me behind all by myself isn't beyond you. But naturally you want to say how I am being selfish for wanting something that I need..something that could mean life or death in the long run..or maybe just sanity or insanity...

God..I wish I COULD block off all emotion as you said..then I wouldn't be able to worry and feel this fear and sadness all the time. I haven't become an icebox..I've become a weird meddley of mangled emotions..rage and joy set on liquify.

I don't know what you expect from me. I am not the strongest person in the world and I am hardly normal. By most peoples standards anyway. I've told you why I think you don't want anything to do with me. I've told you why I'm feeling so detached and depressed. Correct me if what I've said is wrong..or if you can explain why you've been acting this way. I'd like to hear that it is just my imagination..or that it is for a good reason. Just try to consider my point of view for a change rather than just yours. I can't read your mind, so stop getting mad at me when I am suffering for an understandable many reasons.

I care about and love you and Chelsea both. I'll help you when you need it. And don't make me choose between my family and closest frineds. It's not right and blood isn't thicker than water to me.

Understand where I am coming from. This place has a lot more to do with this trouble than you do. I think my TMJ is mostly to blame, but I may get it fixed one day. Maybe that will make things better.

--
IdleRPG lv.40

~People are animals~

So, what is this? Joseph, I know your not well, but you know what I think? I think you should stay and persist. Seriously, if you stay it will show you that you can do anything, even when you are suffering.
Mom, chill out. Here your son is reaching out to you and you are making this about you. He said absolutley NOTHING in the above statement about you or anyone imparticular. He was making a general statement, NOT attacking anyone.
And speaking of calling someone, you have my number..you all have had my number for quite sometime, why dont you ever call me or anything? Why dosen't anyone stay in touch with me? See? Your not the only one.

Now, Joseph, Mom just got screwed, and so did Chelsea so calm down. What you need is the same thing I need. A time to relax and collect our composure and then start again. Take a minute and breath, go into a quiet room, listen to some nice music. Mom, for cryin out loud do the same. Dosen';t it bother you that you have a son that hurts a daughter you never let out of your sight and smother and another daughter on the other side of the country that dosent even know who you are anymore? I'm soryr you all are having such a hard time but believe it or not, your not the only ones. Try praying..God knows I need to do the same.

--

"Tobor is 'Robot' spelled backwards!"

1) I'm not going to fight with you in an open format like here at DA.
2) you need to stop assuming things.

I was mad when I read what you wrote but I've calmed down, so the best thing to do is delete out this journal so others don't read our fighting. Cause right now I'm not going to fight with you.

--
It's easier to criticize, then to create.

I am so sorry to hear all this....I know alot about anxiety if you wanna talk.

--
_{Goodbye everyone! I will miss you!}

I wouldn't mind that..we could talk about stuff.. Send me an aim if you ever wanna talk. If you have anything on your mind, I'd be happy to hear you out.

Thanks for being nice.

--
IdleRPG lv.40

~People are animals~

Let me tell you something, the school that I attend has a strange environment and my classmates are kinda boring, they don't find me very interesting either. I feel lonely most of the time, no one to talk to, ya know. I tried to get along with them lately but things don't seem to evolve.

But sometimes I remember the reason why I'm going to that tedious joint every day at 8 a.m., which is to prepare myself for my professional life. I also have the support of my parents which makes things a bit better. I know that it sucks to be in a place where nothing seems to be good, but there's always something positive about it and you should just hold on to it, even when it seems little... And always keep in mind of your goals, cause they might give you more motivation...

But that's just my opinion, I guess. Just an advice of mine, so if you want to go back to Texas that's your decision... Just think about it

I'm glad you are supportave of me. It's just that I suffer from something called TMJ (temporo mandibular joint disorder). it's weher my jawbone is really messed up and it brings on all kinds of terrible effects. It causes nerve damage in the face and neck and makes a person really drowsy and sleepy. many pains and other ailments are also inflicted. Because of it, things seem so purgatorial..I feel like I'm dreaming and awake at the same time and it brings about all kinds of confusion.. It is unbearable...

It's the main purptrator for most of my problems right now. I have almost zilch energy at all for much f anything. I am always tired and in pain. It is what is souriong my world.. KIt was the perfect thing to harm me. it's like life finds anything it can to harm me without me being able to fight back. life took my energy. I hardly feel passion anymore or energy to do anything. my senses are cut in half.. IT is the reason.

I can't really deal with internal prblems too well..especially those that require alot of mental energy. I mean..i am like..all steak but no sizzle right now..

This place...this slimy smelly nasty city is only making things worse for me. There are things I can get done medically, but that will have to wait with how busy I am.. I've been suffering with this for over 2 years now. i'm glad I figured out what it is though. For the longest time, I didn't know what was wrong with me. Things may improve once this physical ailment is dealt with. I just hope it will be that simple.

--
IdleRPG lv.40

~People are animals~

I'm knowlagable of the environment your under at this moment. If you take World of Warcraft out of my life I would be in the same position. I play wow becasue where I live is a desert and contact w/ people is hard to come by, but I have WoW and thats about all I need for human contact. I talk w/ these guys on a VoIP (Servers you can talk to ppl on w/ your microphone.) and that level of interaction is par for my needs. However, I'm very up on the fact that what you witnes around you is perceved as your own personal truth. That, my friend, is all you need. If you feel like shit, for any reson weather it be a big one or a small one, you need to fix it. Everyone gets to vent there frusturations once in a while and people do it in different ways and in different dialects so when I read your Journal I'm indifferent to the style at witch it's delt in. As far as I'm concerned as long as your doing something you dont mind doing, your happy and your not killing people, then your not someone I need to worrie about too much. I wont have to step in and solv the problum myself. Just do what You think is right man, but get some more opinions about it first. Educated decisions are alwase the ones you'll be sure you make. Also, the hardest decisions we make in life are the ones were most glad we made.

Handle it man. ^_^-b

D.

--
"Truth is that which is true - whether you know it
or not, like it or not and chose to believe it or not."